Being Adelaide

I wish I were Heather 

Forever being Adelaide

I thought I could fix things, undo mistakes, and start afresh.

I thought I could be Adelaide. 

But then, I wanted to be Heather,

 I don't know why.

Maybe because Heather is happy where she is,

Maybe because Heather has something I desperately wish to have.

I kept comparing myself to Heather, only to realise what I was actually doing.

Heather never forced things; she let them be,

Unlike me, who kept pushing, forcing herself into rooms where she was no longer valued.

Heather cherished what she had from the start, while I took it for granted.

And when I finally realized it was slipping from my grasp,

I  tried to hold on desperately,hopelessly.

But no matter how hard I tried, I could not embrace the inevitable,

I was not capable enough!

I believe Heather to be better than me,

Why? I don't know.

I felt  ugly,

I doubted myself,

I wished to tear myself open, remove this unbearable feeling.

I hated myself.

I could not stand myself.

Why? Maybe because I could never be Heather.

I am losing my individuality,

becoming a shadow of her.

But do I even know who she is?

All I know is that she has something I could never have.

Can I not see Heather happy?

Am I that cruel?

Can't I just let things be?

Can't I stop chasing?

Can't I be content with myself?

Can I ever be Heather?

And if I were Heather in another world, could I make it stay?

Would I be happy then?

Or would the perspective shift, and I'd long to be someone else?

Am I still searching for passion in the wrong places?

Am I still misfortunate enough to lose it all again?

The answer remains- I don't know.

But Adelaide gives me hope.

She never tried to be someone else
.

She made herself worthy of being valued for who she truly was.

She knew when to let go.

She loved without conditions, and in the end, the Universe loved her back.

She got her HAPPY ENDING.

Now that I know I can never be Heather, I hope to be 'Adelaide',

To your 'Rory'

-forever.

Crawling 🙃

It’s getting dark ! 

Delusion ~Reality

Somedays i burn within

And today is that day

I don’t know where to seek refuge

Where to find peace

I just want to run so fast 

That i can no longer feel myself running away

I want to slip away like ashes

I want to slip through that creek to that upside down

Where there is ruin everywhere 

Where i would either run from the monster or myself become the monster

where i would yearn for light

I want to stand still on that escalator forever 

I don’t want to get off that train

I want to lose consciousness 

So that i could no longer sense anything 

I am tired of carrying this invisible baggage 

I don’t feel myself lately

Or maybe i never knew how to know myself

Since i was busy chasing those lies

Somedays my life shines brighter than the colours of a rainbow 

And the other days it seems more block than a black hole itself

How do i save myself from falling deep into this black hole which seems to give my crumpled soul some comfort

I want to escape reality so badly

So so so badly that i cannot even describe it in verses

I wish i can become a part of the stories i read 

Where i am not “me” , where i can start afresh 

Where i can show myself some mercy

Where i can love myself instead of begging it from someone else

Sometimes i feel like i am a sadist

I find comfort in victimising myself 

I don’t know if this is really true or just another of my intrusive thoughts 

Today i want to see myself burn into ashes

I want to see myself being perished 

I want to see myself fading away

I want to blame someone for my miseries so bad

Can i blame you ?

Anyway! I will:)

Fighting!

A perfect metaphor for my life🙌

 A battle with myself 

My world is falling apart and i seek for an escape in poetry,

this is where i would bleed my emotions out ,

Would criticise myself and hate myself more,

Would tell myself another story ,

Of another day when i would feel alright

When everything will be alright,

Then again i would fall into this never ending loop

Where i would recollect every tragic memory just to weep more;

Just to show myself the mirror of reality ,

And play the victim card against this world’s shenanigans ,

Then i would get tired of carrying myself, the same  way i feel right now.

It’s so complicated, so hard to understand 

That I can’t even explain it in my poems

I don’t know how to forgive myself for the things l was compelled to do,

I miss the time when i was  so untouched by this world’s ugly side,

When I didn’t know anything about betrayals,

About losing people,

When I didn’t need to think twice.

I am holding myself together, 

Just so my loved ones wouldn’t fall apart.

My heart feels heavy, 

And i feel fucking alone even when I’m surrounded,

When i’m fully guarded.

I don’t know what real hurt is anymore,

Maybe i no longer remember how to feel or all my emotions fade away ,

I may talk shit but deep down i know how desperately i mean every single line I write:)

Then again why i feel this certain way?

I don’t know why:)

I’ll tell myself that it is just a phase and not my whole life,

I’ll tell myself to focus on the bright side.

But what if there will be no bright side?

What if another hurt is waiting for me with its arms open?

I have lost this battle with my inner self ,

I want to forget and forgive,

Maybe someday i will,

But today is not that day:)

A PHASE !

     ME, myself

Falling skies and falling hopes:)

There are so many paths in front of me
But every time I walk on a path,
Which gives me reasons to sabotage myself more,
It's like embracing dark in the first place

and complaining afterwards.

For I wish to dwell in darkness itself

Since I overlook the light entering into my life;

And cry over lost things and mistakes

I make every single day.

I choose to highlight my imperfections,

and put myself on bed of thorny black roses

which got withered while trying to bloom.

This scorching heat melted me down

and killed my capacity to perceive reality,

to give rise to a delusional world 

where my life is synonymous with delirium,

where I try to hide under the shadow of 

being naive;

So that no one can hold me accountable for anything,

for my shortcomings and for my dilemmas;

Where I want to breathe without being seen

but wished to be acknowledged at the same time;

where I am pretending things the way they are not,

where I try to justify and glorify the obliterate things I do,

where I try to explain it to myself only 

that why do I even exist,

where I believe my shattered life has 

really been shattered;

where I force myself to see those invisible wounds

which no one ever, inflicted upon me,

The way I condemn myself for even existing 

tells me a lot about that part of my life

which I associate with grief,

For grief doesn't exist the way it must be 

to called real grief.

Everything is inside my head and I am tired

of forming beliefs which only paves path to pain and ruin.

Instead of falling in love with life ,

I wish to turn away from it;

Again this is inside my head only

because this is truly not what I feel.

I think I forget to feel, to experience emotions

when this was the only thing I desired to do.

What about my dreams and aspirations ?

Those things which I want to give up

to settle for bare minimum;

Because everything else seems difficult.

All I see is uncertainty owing to my heavy heart,

which is in debt right now.

Then I say it happens as to comfort myself,

when some expectations weigh me down.

I try to heal those wounded parts of mine

by saying it's just a phase not my WHOLE life

But if this is really real , it is yet to be seen;

which only the forthcoming time can unravel:)

  

  

HER :)

 Phases of her existence

I'm giving it all to take it back💕

In her youth's tender bloom,

she bore a heavy load,

A heart, once scarred, on a tumultuous road.

She carried burdens far beyond her years,

A girl of strength, her eyes now skim tears.

Innocence lost in a tempest of pain,

through sorrow and anger;

she somehow managed to carry her strains.

Loneliness whispered in the shadows of melancholic nights,

when she would paint her pillow bright,

Leaving her in a delusional sight,

she could not hold her dreams tight.

Anyhow her dilemmas doomed the fright.

She tasted the bitterness of life's cruel test,

In the storms of despair;

she tried to stand to her best.

She danced with grief and 

fought with her fears,

with hope and a little support,

like a beacon, she wiped away her tears.

The spectrum of emotions she has journeyed through,

from anger to joy, every possible shade

and every hue.

From a broken glass to a 

heart full of love and grace,

a new life awaits.

As a phoenix she will rise ,

through those shady and lethal lightning strikes.

In the middle of chaos;

she believed to find her escape;

when someone offered her a hand laden with praise.

Those hands took her to paradise to show her the hell;

After, when she realized it was nothing more than an ugly spell,

Meanwhile she always chose to overlook those arms,

 which yearn to hold her miseries and offer her calm.

Now she's recovering, this is what

she likes to pretend ,

but her soul tells otherwise

which still awaits her end;

On a bright side with laughter and strength,

her life is surely going to mend.

Through sorrow and joy,

and all in between ,

she's a masterpiece painting,

a beautiful creation that can ever be seen.

For life is a tapestry, woven with threads,

of joy, pain and love in infinite spreads.

In every emotion she finds her own grace,

a girl who is trying to emerge from ;

her life's own disheartened phase. 💗

 

 

I think I can escape

I think I can escape

Pierced through the heart but never killed !

because I have got my placebo

I have found a place that can make 

all my worries go away,

just with a wink 

all wrapped in one it is not less than a mystery

For I think something good is happening to me

That craziness is slowly and steadily 

turning into a perfect epitome of revival 

I don't look for empty faces anymore

as my eyes can look deep 

and can even see beyond the ledge

Its like the pain gets its cure.

At the edge of chaos where my thoughts were running loose,

I came across a game

which finally set me free from the invisible chains

which were inflicted upon me by every piece 

of an exaggerated existence;

The poison which the devil made me drink

has turned into sweet nectar pouring from paradise.

What can be worse than losing hope ?

Meanwhile what can be the greatest win ?

of course accumulating those shattered pieces to stand upright 

once again with faith and grace.

Pretending does help when source of light

is in itself an illusion,

As delusional things are more like ecstasy .

The thrill of staying in the middle of a storm

awakes the parts of you which were slowly fading away.

Mine too would have fallen away, had I not hold them tight enough.

Now when I am thinking straight,

I am more at peace with myself than I were before.

Even though it's just a game, yet I will say 

I have never ever been HAPPIER. 

 

REFLECTION !

 Too good to lose.

I put it down ❤

It's been a long time since,

I encountered a massive turn of events ;

such a horrible unraveling of my fears,

where all the best moments got washed away in tears.

I stopped for a while to look at my reflection in a mirror,

And I found myself looking at a stranger, inevitably near.

I dare not look into her eyes

For I was afraid of the hell I made her went through,

Afraid of taking away her strengths

and convincing her to dwell in her weaknesses. 

I didn't want to see those bloodshed, watery eyes of hers again

which once wanted to capture the  whole world in them ,

and now hurt a little looking at the masked damage this cosmos offered her .

I was supposed to draw stars around her scars,

to turn her flaws into fireflies which would shine,

But whatever I did, turned her into a helpless soul 

who witnessed her stars turning into scars.

I made her hopes fall apart. 

Now I pretend, it wasn't me 

when I know only I am responsible for her dilemmas.

I want her to deny first, believe later and then accept

that the reality of things is very much different from what is visible from the surface.

That the image of the world she created for herself

needs to change to include the both ; good and bad.

to acknowledge this reality that her shadow too can destroy her. 

I want her to stop existing,

but to start living with whatever she have got.💫

Till this night is over !

 This strangeness

Tell me lies ❤

The more I say I am embracing the changes,

Accepting things the way they are,

The more distant I find myself  from a place,

that used to comfort me , where I could hide myself.

Now that I have put myself on a pedestal,

From where I can see the  naked truths, can hear the unsaid words;

My consciousness still wants to unsee this side of things

where everything has reached the state of oblivion.

Sometimes even words can't describe the hurricane 

going on inside me ,

I feel helpless when good things seems fading away,

When something invisible feels drifting away from me,

The more I want to get hold of it , 

The more abruptly it let go of my hand .

There are days when I shine as bright as sun 

and also those days when I find myself six feet under

Days when I want to make myself happy

and days when I search for reasons to trigger emotions out of my eyes.

I wish to unravel those mysteries hidden inside the folds of my skin

which can persuade roses to bloom again,

Butterflies to fly again 

but this time both cautiously and elegantly.

I don't want to dig my wounds more
deep 

I seek for a warm touch of magic that can turn my wounds into scars

Scars that will become my metaphor of strength one day.

Scars which will keep reminding me why I turned around ?

I wish to gather the scattered pieces of my soul,

TO REBUILD A NEW ME !

SURREAL !

It doesn't feel the same anymore 

looking from a window above

It feels like I have lost this connection with my inner self

which I had before this avalanche

My senses to react are on lease I guess

That's why most of the time I am nothing

but a great mess.

I keep doing things which are bad for my health

and in the end I wonder why don't my dilemmas end for good?

Isn't it's the perfect time for them to go away?

A few days back I felt something which used to be familiar

but at present it doesn't feel the same anymore 

I don't know if I have evolved over the time gone by 

If I already shed the good old parts 

to acquire some really obliterate traits.

New beginnings are waiting for me to come over,

but these past shenanigans won't let me go 

There are so many things to learn yet 

I need to learn to let promising things in 

and worn out things out in time.

Before they begin to decide my destination 

I need to take a turn, a sharp turn

to shape my life.

As its easier said than done, I find myself at the same place 

At times I cry with the sky and smile with the wind

In hope they will show me a way out of this.

 In the END;
This blurry vision is going to become clear.

I trust time and it is destined to get better :)

EMBRACING SUNSHINE

Shine so bright that it burns their fuckin' eyes!

 HAPPYNESS

I am doing good , much better actually,

It is no longer a quiet voice ,

It no longer makes me feel deserted

Although a part of it still bothers me 

BUT that's going to fade away soon 

For I don't want to keep that part with me forever

The way trees shed their  old leaves I am learning to shed worn out parts of my belief ;

I am not supposed to be stuck at one place forever

LIFE GOES ON AND ON 

Sometimes ON and sometimes OFF

I live for those days when I will lead myself out of my Dilemmas

When I will push myself out of my misery 

 When I will discover my strengths and will be unbreakable

When I will stop putting the key to my happiness in someone else's pocket.

I will nurture my soul and will grow a whole forest out of it

Whose shade will shield me from heat of hurdles.

I want to be this much unafraid that little bullshits can no longer bother me

I desire to be the finest version of myself !

 

FADED

It was comforting to see a rainbow after the storm 

I mourn over a loss which was never a gain

I try to hide behind a transparent curtain

trying to fight something which is rooted deep in my soul

I am afraid, I am scared of being left behind.

For I have always been last on my priority list 

I urge for a refuge.

I yearn for a change.

I am tired of being a tenant of my mind.

I want to feel things deeply

I want to discover the dark areas of my soul 

which have never been illuminated !

So why does a simple unfavorable event make me overthink about everything ?

Why does I want to stop in the beginning only?

This fear has no logic

I don't feel whole when I should 

I blame others for my miseries

But I accept my flaws 

Still It makes no difference

This is what I am made of

This highly fragile core is in search of meaning that can define the way things are

The way things are meant to be.

Sometimes you learn things the hardest way ever possible

But when you feel unlearn even after learning 

Does it go in Vain?

I want to experience emotions deeply till I go numb

For I would rather stay vulnerable than not to feel at all.

I want to end this with my favorite lyrics, '' I will take my heart and run for good , don't know where?
I'll be dead and gone before you hear a thing!" 

THAT'S JUST LIFE !

 Moving towards the end of 2022 

Different shades of 2022✨🌸

Another year is about to pass and  most of us will find themselves standing at the same place or may stuck somewhere with the same mindset . Time flies , infact it flies so damn fast that once you are unable to match with its frequency , you always feel left behind . Actually I did feel a lot like this , this year only . When 2022 began I had many different plans like we all have but I totally got deviated from the path on which I was supposed to be walking straight.  My 2022 resolutions are still calling out loud for me to come and seeking my attention  but nah ironically I have no time for them . Now it feels like it was not less than a formality jotting them down in my diary in the very beginning of 2022. This is only one problem out of many bothering me right now. So I choose not to consider this much. Another storm that is about to come is saying GOODBYE to school 'cause its gonna end soon , really soon , few months are left that too we will be busy giving EXAMS ! So no complaints ; Really ? Its gonna be a whole new life , a step towards building yourself , your career as society says . 

Lets talk about my this year of 2022

From the beginning of 2022 itself I began experiencing mental instability like never before. I think at that point it was more kinda joke for me that I was sad without any specific reason. As I walked through this year I realized it was not a thing to laugh about but it was seriously needed to be tackled but I didn't , contrary I decided to carry that baggage throughout without this realization that it will take me nowhere and it didn't really ! SO when I look back at myself like what I was a year ago I don't notice any major change but still I am not the same as I was last year which really makes some sense as Change is inevitable . I accept that . I have become so much vulnerable I have to say. I neglected Myself straight for months , running to catch something which was never meant to be there when it was. So I gave permisssion to the universe to affect me in every possible way, I let futile things to leave a drastic impact on me, I let others manipulate me . My biggest flaw that I believed recklessly. Not gonna complaint about that because now I can't change what has already happened instead I can focus on what I am doing. This year like any other year was full of teachings ,  you learn more when you yourself fall and that's really true. Growing up is really a complex process , you shed off a lot behind without even realizing it and a single realization is enough to make you feel regretful of the things which you might left behind either intentionally or they were meant to be left behind the way you did. This year was quite uncertain in lot many ways . We gained a lot and simultaneously lost a lot . If I were to explain  my this year in 5 words then those would be ecstasy, respite, chaos, Karma and denial. Life goes on and on as year passes , we find new destinations to reach , new things to chase , new goals to accomplish and new ways to make ourselves happy. There are no shortcuts to anything , you need to choose the full fledged path if you want to reach somewhere and I am still learning this as there were times in 2022 when I desperately wanted to opt for a short way or desired if some miracles can take place or something like that. I want to quote these lines by Bob Marley as they are really deep and worth mentioning  , " The truth is , everyone is going to hurt you . You just have to find the ones worth suffering for ." Since this year is going to end soon I want to make peace with myself by forgiving me for mistakes I committed , things I didn't do and every mess I created. Ending this year on a good note and hoping to have a cheerful and prosperous year ahead for EVERYONE ! TO THE MOON AND NEVER BACK .😊🌙 

LETTING GO !

 REMINISCING

I don't know !

As days become weeks

And weeks become months

I find myself going far away

from places which used to comfort me 

a while ago, 

I find myself on a road 

which has nothing to offer me

except anguish and coldness

I find myself running away from

who I really am

Pretending the storm has passed,

I feel strange winds on my face

Sun's warmth feels cold

And coldness embraces me in her arms

Every time I try to walk away from bruises

they hold on to me as tightly as they can

My dilemmas feel like spears now

held so tightly that I will bleed

And left as such they will fall down with me

This world sees what it wants to see

not that what is real

Me being a part of this world;

saw everything that was not even there,

Here when I know the reality, the actuality

I refuse to accept things the way they are

I hide myself under an umbrella of lies

which temporarily shields me from the rain of truths

But This can't go on for long

I know something needs to be changed

I can't deny 

All I need to find is that something!

  

Shattered pieces

Unreal Dreams

Still regret that moment!

From this to that

From fairytales to haunting monsters

everything changes so swiftly

From walking through streets of life

To running away from sharp turns 

From butterflies to fireflies

we all go through a lot

Sometimes it feels like a beautiful dream

The other moment it haunts like a bad memory

Sometimes it's the sun I look up to

the other moment I urge for dark nights

For a moment I feel the most alive

and for a moment I bury myself deep down 

I look for good in people 

when I am done finding kindness in my own skin

This weird feeling never goes away 

no matter how hard I try, how fast I run

In the end I fell in the same loop

keep returning to places I once decided to leave

keep looking for an essence in darkness

keep believing in coldness of warmth which was once mine

Falling with grace, I am going under

At the bottom of the ocean, I keep screaming  

Sometimes I wonder if you ever hear me.

 

A part of my existence

Too pure to understand the lows and the highs

 Today I am seventeen

tomorrow I 'll turn eighteen 

but does it make any difference ? 

When altogether I'll appear same

to everyone , even my reflection 

in the mirror will not change 

Yeah I have completed one more year of my life 

SUCCESSFULLY ! INDEED

Infact the girl who is 17  today will carry the experiences

of this one more year of her life to become 18. 

A chain of events that occurred at different times yet are linked

'cause they define her existence

She may not like the person she has become recently

Her likes or dislikes will not affect this part of her life

Its an inseparable part of her growth, of her journey into future.

She is all set to face the upcoming challenges

somewhere she is afraid of the WORLD too

But she hopes to become a part of it . 

when this number 17 will become 27 or may be 37 someday 

she will look back at her life and will feel the exhilaration of her journey

she will believe in fate that yes she was destined to be here!

When this girl will turn into a woman someday, 

she will value her journey; she will love herself for

whatever she did

she will forgive herself for her past mistakes

She will love every part of herself which she shed over time

She will realize that she doesn't need a man to tell her what she should do

A man to define her existence because she is unaware of the wonders

she can create, of the things she can accomplish 

she will show the world that yes, she can thrive in chaos too

she can be anything not just beautiful

she can be limitless

she will define herself and become her own support

INDEED ONE DAY SHE WILL BE PROUD OF HERSELF !