Fighting!

A perfect metaphor for my life🙌

 A battle with myself 

My world is falling apart and i seek for an escape in poetry,

this is where i would bleed my emotions out ,

Would criticise myself and hate myself more,

Would tell myself another story ,

Of another day when i would feel alright

When everything will be alright,

Then again i would fall into this never ending loop

Where i would recollect every tragic memory just to weep more;

Just to show myself the mirror of reality ,

And play the victim card against this world’s shenanigans ,

Then i would get tired of carrying myself, the same  way i feel right now.

It’s so complicated, so hard to understand 

That I can’t even explain it in my poems

I don’t know how to forgive myself for the things l was compelled to do,

I miss the time when i was  so untouched by this world’s ugly side,

When I didn’t know anything about betrayals,

About losing people,

When I didn’t need to think twice.

I am holding myself together, 

Just so my loved ones wouldn’t fall apart.

My heart feels heavy, 

And i feel fucking alone even when I’m surrounded,

When i’m fully guarded.

I don’t know what real hurt is anymore,

Maybe i no longer remember how to feel or all my emotions fade away ,

I may talk shit but deep down i know how desperately i mean every single line I write:)

Then again why i feel this certain way?

I don’t know why:)

I’ll tell myself that it is just a phase and not my whole life,

I’ll tell myself to focus on the bright side.

But what if there will be no bright side?

What if another hurt is waiting for me with its arms open?

I have lost this battle with my inner self ,

I want to forget and forgive,

Maybe someday i will,

But today is not that day:)

A PHASE !

     ME, myself

Falling skies and falling hopes:)

There are so many paths in front of me
But every time I walk on a path,
Which gives me reasons to sabotage myself more,
It's like embracing dark in the first place

and complaining afterwards.

For I wish to dwell in darkness itself

Since I overlook the light entering into my life;

And cry over lost things and mistakes

I make every single day.

I choose to highlight my imperfections,

and put myself on bed of thorny black roses

which got withered while trying to bloom.

This scorching heat melted me down

and killed my capacity to perceive reality,

to give rise to a delusional world 

where my life is synonymous with delirium,

where I try to hide under the shadow of 

being naive;

So that no one can hold me accountable for anything,

for my shortcomings and for my dilemmas;

Where I want to breathe without being seen

but wished to be acknowledged at the same time;

where I am pretending things the way they are not,

where I try to justify and glorify the obliterate things I do,

where I try to explain it to myself only 

that why do I even exist,

where I believe my shattered life has 

really been shattered;

where I force myself to see those invisible wounds

which no one ever, inflicted upon me,

The way I condemn myself for even existing 

tells me a lot about that part of my life

which I associate with grief,

For grief doesn't exist the way it must be 

to called real grief.

Everything is inside my head and I am tired

of forming beliefs which only paves path to pain and ruin.

Instead of falling in love with life ,

I wish to turn away from it;

Again this is inside my head only

because this is truly not what I feel.

I think I forget to feel, to experience emotions

when this was the only thing I desired to do.

What about my dreams and aspirations ?

Those things which I want to give up

to settle for bare minimum;

Because everything else seems difficult.

All I see is uncertainty owing to my heavy heart,

which is in debt right now.

Then I say it happens as to comfort myself,

when some expectations weigh me down.

I try to heal those wounded parts of mine

by saying it's just a phase not my WHOLE life

But if this is really real , it is yet to be seen;

which only the forthcoming time can unravel:)

  

  

HER :)

 Phases of her existence

I'm giving it all to take it back💕

In her youth's tender bloom,

she bore a heavy load,

A heart, once scarred, on a tumultuous road.

She carried burdens far beyond her years,

A girl of strength, her eyes now skim tears.

Innocence lost in a tempest of pain,

through sorrow and anger;

she somehow managed to carry her strains.

Loneliness whispered in the shadows of melancholic nights,

when she would paint her pillow bright,

Leaving her in a delusional sight,

she could not hold her dreams tight.

Anyhow her dilemmas doomed the fright.

She tasted the bitterness of life's cruel test,

In the storms of despair;

she tried to stand to her best.

She danced with grief and 

fought with her fears,

with hope and a little support,

like a beacon, she wiped away her tears.

The spectrum of emotions she has journeyed through,

from anger to joy, every possible shade

and every hue.

From a broken glass to a 

heart full of love and grace,

a new life awaits.

As a phoenix she will rise ,

through those shady and lethal lightning strikes.

In the middle of chaos;

she believed to find her escape;

when someone offered her a hand laden with praise.

Those hands took her to paradise to show her the hell;

After, when she realized it was nothing more than an ugly spell,

Meanwhile she always chose to overlook those arms,

 which yearn to hold her miseries and offer her calm.

Now she's recovering, this is what

she likes to pretend ,

but her soul tells otherwise

which still awaits her end;

On a bright side with laughter and strength,

her life is surely going to mend.

Through sorrow and joy,

and all in between ,

she's a masterpiece painting,

a beautiful creation that can ever be seen.

For life is a tapestry, woven with threads,

of joy, pain and love in infinite spreads.

In every emotion she finds her own grace,

a girl who is trying to emerge from ;

her life's own disheartened phase. 💗

 

 

I think I can escape

I think I can escape

Pierced through the heart but never killed !

because I have got my placebo

I have found a place that can make 

all my worries go away,

just with a wink 

all wrapped in one it is not less than a mystery

For I think something good is happening to me

That craziness is slowly and steadily 

turning into a perfect epitome of revival 

I don't look for empty faces anymore

as my eyes can look deep 

and can even see beyond the ledge

Its like the pain gets its cure.

At the edge of chaos where my thoughts were running loose,

I came across a game

which finally set me free from the invisible chains

which were inflicted upon me by every piece 

of an exaggerated existence;

The poison which the devil made me drink

has turned into sweet nectar pouring from paradise.

What can be worse than losing hope ?

Meanwhile what can be the greatest win ?

of course accumulating those shattered pieces to stand upright 

once again with faith and grace.

Pretending does help when source of light

is in itself an illusion,

As delusional things are more like ecstasy .

The thrill of staying in the middle of a storm

awakes the parts of you which were slowly fading away.

Mine too would have fallen away, had I not hold them tight enough.

Now when I am thinking straight,

I am more at peace with myself than I were before.

Even though it's just a game, yet I will say 

I have never ever been HAPPIER. 

 

REFLECTION !

 Too good to lose.

I put it down ❤

It's been a long time since,

I encountered a massive turn of events ;

such a horrible unraveling of my fears,

where all the best moments got washed away in tears.

I stopped for a while to look at my reflection in a mirror,

And I found myself looking at a stranger, inevitably near.

I dare not look into her eyes

For I was afraid of the hell I made her went through,

Afraid of taking away her strengths

and convincing her to dwell in her weaknesses. 

I didn't want to see those bloodshed, watery eyes of hers again

which once wanted to capture the  whole world in them ,

and now hurt a little looking at the masked damage this cosmos offered her .

I was supposed to draw stars around her scars,

to turn her flaws into fireflies which would shine,

But whatever I did, turned her into a helpless soul 

who witnessed her stars turning into scars.

I made her hopes fall apart. 

Now I pretend, it wasn't me 

when I know only I am responsible for her dilemmas.

I want her to deny first, believe later and then accept

that the reality of things is very much different from what is visible from the surface.

That the image of the world she created for herself

needs to change to include the both ; good and bad.

to acknowledge this reality that her shadow too can destroy her. 

I want her to stop existing,

but to start living with whatever she have got.💫

Till this night is over !

 This strangeness

Tell me lies ❤

The more I say I am embracing the changes,

Accepting things the way they are,

The more distant I find myself  from a place,

that used to comfort me , where I could hide myself.

Now that I have put myself on a pedestal,

From where I can see the  naked truths, can hear the unsaid words;

My consciousness still wants to unsee this side of things

where everything has reached the state of oblivion.

Sometimes even words can't describe the hurricane 

going on inside me ,

I feel helpless when good things seems fading away,

When something invisible feels drifting away from me,

The more I want to get hold of it , 

The more abruptly it let go of my hand .

There are days when I shine as bright as sun 

and also those days when I find myself six feet under

Days when I want to make myself happy

and days when I search for reasons to trigger emotions out of my eyes.

I wish to unravel those mysteries hidden inside the folds of my skin

which can persuade roses to bloom again,

Butterflies to fly again 

but this time both cautiously and elegantly.

I don't want to dig my wounds more
deep 

I seek for a warm touch of magic that can turn my wounds into scars

Scars that will become my metaphor of strength one day.

Scars which will keep reminding me why I turned around ?

I wish to gather the scattered pieces of my soul,

TO REBUILD A NEW ME !

SURREAL !

It doesn't feel the same anymore 

looking from a window above

It feels like I have lost this connection with my inner self

which I had before this avalanche

My senses to react are on lease I guess

That's why most of the time I am nothing

but a great mess.

I keep doing things which are bad for my health

and in the end I wonder why don't my dilemmas end for good?

Isn't it's the perfect time for them to go away?

A few days back I felt something which used to be familiar

but at present it doesn't feel the same anymore 

I don't know if I have evolved over the time gone by 

If I already shed the good old parts 

to acquire some really obliterate traits.

New beginnings are waiting for me to come over,

but these past shenanigans won't let me go 

There are so many things to learn yet 

I need to learn to let promising things in 

and worn out things out in time.

Before they begin to decide my destination 

I need to take a turn, a sharp turn

to shape my life.

As its easier said than done, I find myself at the same place 

At times I cry with the sky and smile with the wind

In hope they will show me a way out of this.

 In the END;
This blurry vision is going to become clear.

I trust time and it is destined to get better :)