REFLECTION !

 Too good to lose.

I put it down ❤

It's been a long time since,

I encountered a massive turn of events ;

such a horrible unraveling of my fears,

where all the best moments got washed away in tears.

I stopped for a while to look at my reflection in a mirror,

And I found myself looking at a stranger, inevitably near.

I dare not look into her eyes

For I was afraid of the hell I made her went through,

Afraid of taking away her strengths

and convincing her to dwell in her weaknesses. 

I didn't want to see those bloodshed, watery eyes of hers again

which once wanted to capture the  whole world in them ,

and now hurt a little looking at the masked damage this cosmos offered her .

I was supposed to draw stars around her scars,

to turn her flaws into fireflies which would shine,

But whatever I did, turned her into a helpless soul 

who witnessed her stars turning into scars.

I made her hopes fall apart. 

Now I pretend, it wasn't me 

when I know only I am responsible for her dilemmas.

I want her to deny first, believe later and then accept

that the reality of things is very much different from what is visible from the surface.

That the image of the world she created for herself

needs to change to include the both ; good and bad.

to acknowledge this reality that her shadow too can destroy her. 

I want her to stop existing,

but to start living with whatever she have got.💫

Till this night is over !

 This strangeness

Tell me lies ❤

The more I say I am embracing the changes,

Accepting things the way they are,

The more distant I find myself  from a place,

that used to comfort me , where I could hide myself.

Now that I have put myself on a pedestal,

From where I can see the  naked truths, can hear the unsaid words;

My consciousness still wants to unsee this side of things

where everything has reached the state of oblivion.

Sometimes even words can't describe the hurricane 

going on inside me ,

I feel helpless when good things seems fading away,

When something invisible feels drifting away from me,

The more I want to get hold of it , 

The more abruptly it let go of my hand .

There are days when I shine as bright as sun 

and also those days when I find myself six feet under

Days when I want to make myself happy

and days when I search for reasons to trigger emotions out of my eyes.

I wish to unravel those mysteries hidden inside the folds of my skin

which can persuade roses to bloom again,

Butterflies to fly again 

but this time both cautiously and elegantly.

I don't want to dig my wounds more
deep 

I seek for a warm touch of magic that can turn my wounds into scars

Scars that will become my metaphor of strength one day.

Scars which will keep reminding me why I turned around ?

I wish to gather the scattered pieces of my soul,

TO REBUILD A NEW ME !

SURREAL !

It doesn't feel the same anymore 

looking from a window above

It feels like I have lost this connection with my inner self

which I had before this avalanche

My senses to react are on lease I guess

That's why most of the time I am nothing

but a great mess.

I keep doing things which are bad for my health

and in the end I wonder why don't my dilemmas end for good?

Isn't it's the perfect time for them to go away?

A few days back I felt something which used to be familiar

but at present it doesn't feel the same anymore 

I don't know if I have evolved over the time gone by 

If I already shed the good old parts 

to acquire some really obliterate traits.

New beginnings are waiting for me to come over,

but these past shenanigans won't let me go 

There are so many things to learn yet 

I need to learn to let promising things in 

and worn out things out in time.

Before they begin to decide my destination 

I need to take a turn, a sharp turn

to shape my life.

As its easier said than done, I find myself at the same place 

At times I cry with the sky and smile with the wind

In hope they will show me a way out of this.

 In the END;
This blurry vision is going to become clear.

I trust time and it is destined to get better :)

EMBRACING SUNSHINE

Shine so bright that it burns their fuckin' eyes!

 HAPPYNESS

I am doing good , much better actually,

It is no longer a quiet voice ,

It no longer makes me feel deserted

Although a part of it still bothers me 

BUT that's going to fade away soon 

For I don't want to keep that part with me forever

The way trees shed their  old leaves I am learning to shed worn out parts of my belief ;

I am not supposed to be stuck at one place forever

LIFE GOES ON AND ON 

Sometimes ON and sometimes OFF

I live for those days when I will lead myself out of my Dilemmas

When I will push myself out of my misery 

 When I will discover my strengths and will be unbreakable

When I will stop putting the key to my happiness in someone else's pocket.

I will nurture my soul and will grow a whole forest out of it

Whose shade will shield me from heat of hurdles.

I want to be this much unafraid that little bullshits can no longer bother me

I desire to be the finest version of myself !

 

FADED

It was comforting to see a rainbow after the storm 

I mourn over a loss which was never a gain

I try to hide behind a transparent curtain

trying to fight something which is rooted deep in my soul

I am afraid, I am scared of being left behind.

For I have always been last on my priority list 

I urge for a refuge.

I yearn for a change.

I am tired of being a tenant of my mind.

I want to feel things deeply

I want to discover the dark areas of my soul 

which have never been illuminated !

So why does a simple unfavorable event make me overthink about everything ?

Why does I want to stop in the beginning only?

This fear has no logic

I don't feel whole when I should 

I blame others for my miseries

But I accept my flaws 

Still It makes no difference

This is what I am made of

This highly fragile core is in search of meaning that can define the way things are

The way things are meant to be.

Sometimes you learn things the hardest way ever possible

But when you feel unlearn even after learning 

Does it go in Vain?

I want to experience emotions deeply till I go numb

For I would rather stay vulnerable than not to feel at all.

I want to end this with my favorite lyrics, '' I will take my heart and run for good , don't know where?
I'll be dead and gone before you hear a thing!" 

THAT'S JUST LIFE !

 Moving towards the end of 2022 

Different shades of 2022✨🌸

Another year is about to pass and  most of us will find themselves standing at the same place or may stuck somewhere with the same mindset . Time flies , infact it flies so damn fast that once you are unable to match with its frequency , you always feel left behind . Actually I did feel a lot like this , this year only . When 2022 began I had many different plans like we all have but I totally got deviated from the path on which I was supposed to be walking straight.  My 2022 resolutions are still calling out loud for me to come and seeking my attention  but nah ironically I have no time for them . Now it feels like it was not less than a formality jotting them down in my diary in the very beginning of 2022. This is only one problem out of many bothering me right now. So I choose not to consider this much. Another storm that is about to come is saying GOODBYE to school 'cause its gonna end soon , really soon , few months are left that too we will be busy giving EXAMS ! So no complaints ; Really ? Its gonna be a whole new life , a step towards building yourself , your career as society says . 

Lets talk about my this year of 2022

From the beginning of 2022 itself I began experiencing mental instability like never before. I think at that point it was more kinda joke for me that I was sad without any specific reason. As I walked through this year I realized it was not a thing to laugh about but it was seriously needed to be tackled but I didn't , contrary I decided to carry that baggage throughout without this realization that it will take me nowhere and it didn't really ! SO when I look back at myself like what I was a year ago I don't notice any major change but still I am not the same as I was last year which really makes some sense as Change is inevitable . I accept that . I have become so much vulnerable I have to say. I neglected Myself straight for months , running to catch something which was never meant to be there when it was. So I gave permisssion to the universe to affect me in every possible way, I let futile things to leave a drastic impact on me, I let others manipulate me . My biggest flaw that I believed recklessly. Not gonna complaint about that because now I can't change what has already happened instead I can focus on what I am doing. This year like any other year was full of teachings ,  you learn more when you yourself fall and that's really true. Growing up is really a complex process , you shed off a lot behind without even realizing it and a single realization is enough to make you feel regretful of the things which you might left behind either intentionally or they were meant to be left behind the way you did. This year was quite uncertain in lot many ways . We gained a lot and simultaneously lost a lot . If I were to explain  my this year in 5 words then those would be ecstasy, respite, chaos, Karma and denial. Life goes on and on as year passes , we find new destinations to reach , new things to chase , new goals to accomplish and new ways to make ourselves happy. There are no shortcuts to anything , you need to choose the full fledged path if you want to reach somewhere and I am still learning this as there were times in 2022 when I desperately wanted to opt for a short way or desired if some miracles can take place or something like that. I want to quote these lines by Bob Marley as they are really deep and worth mentioning  , " The truth is , everyone is going to hurt you . You just have to find the ones worth suffering for ." Since this year is going to end soon I want to make peace with myself by forgiving me for mistakes I committed , things I didn't do and every mess I created. Ending this year on a good note and hoping to have a cheerful and prosperous year ahead for EVERYONE ! TO THE MOON AND NEVER BACK .😊🌙 

LETTING GO !

 REMINISCING

I don't know !

As days become weeks

And weeks become months

I find myself going far away

from places which used to comfort me 

a while ago, 

I find myself on a road 

which has nothing to offer me

except anguish and coldness

I find myself running away from

who I really am

Pretending the storm has passed,

I feel strange winds on my face

Sun's warmth feels cold

And coldness embraces me in her arms

Every time I try to walk away from bruises

they hold on to me as tightly as they can

My dilemmas feel like spears now

held so tightly that I will bleed

And left as such they will fall down with me

This world sees what it wants to see

not that what is real

Me being a part of this world;

saw everything that was not even there,

Here when I know the reality, the actuality

I refuse to accept things the way they are

I hide myself under an umbrella of lies

which temporarily shields me from the rain of truths

But This can't go on for long

I know something needs to be changed

I can't deny 

All I need to find is that something!