Being Adelaide

I wish I were Heather 

Forever being Adelaide

I thought I could fix things, undo mistakes, and start afresh.

I thought I could be Adelaide. 

But then, I wanted to be Heather,

 I don't know why.

Maybe because Heather is happy where she is,

Maybe because Heather has something I desperately wish to have.

I kept comparing myself to Heather, only to realise what I was actually doing.

Heather never forced things; she let them be,

Unlike me, who kept pushing, forcing herself into rooms where she was no longer valued.

Heather cherished what she had from the start, while I took it for granted.

And when I finally realized it was slipping from my grasp,

I  tried to hold on desperately,hopelessly.

But no matter how hard I tried, I could not embrace the inevitable,

I was not capable enough!

I believe Heather to be better than me,

Why? I don't know.

I felt  ugly,

I doubted myself,

I wished to tear myself open, remove this unbearable feeling.

I hated myself.

I could not stand myself.

Why? Maybe because I could never be Heather.

I am losing my individuality,

becoming a shadow of her.

But do I even know who she is?

All I know is that she has something I could never have.

Can I not see Heather happy?

Am I that cruel?

Can't I just let things be?

Can't I stop chasing?

Can't I be content with myself?

Can I ever be Heather?

And if I were Heather in another world, could I make it stay?

Would I be happy then?

Or would the perspective shift, and I'd long to be someone else?

Am I still searching for passion in the wrong places?

Am I still misfortunate enough to lose it all again?

The answer remains- I don't know.

But Adelaide gives me hope.

She never tried to be someone else
.

She made herself worthy of being valued for who she truly was.

She knew when to let go.

She loved without conditions, and in the end, the Universe loved her back.

She got her HAPPY ENDING.

Now that I know I can never be Heather, I hope to be 'Adelaide',

To your 'Rory'

-forever.

Crawling 🙃

It’s getting dark ! 

Delusion ~Reality

Somedays i burn within

And today is that day

I don’t know where to seek refuge

Where to find peace

I just want to run so fast 

That i can no longer feel myself running away

I want to slip away like ashes

I want to slip through that creek to that upside down

Where there is ruin everywhere 

Where i would either run from the monster or myself become the monster

where i would yearn for light

I want to stand still on that escalator forever 

I don’t want to get off that train

I want to lose consciousness 

So that i could no longer sense anything 

I am tired of carrying this invisible baggage 

I don’t feel myself lately

Or maybe i never knew how to know myself

Since i was busy chasing those lies

Somedays my life shines brighter than the colours of a rainbow 

And the other days it seems more block than a black hole itself

How do i save myself from falling deep into this black hole which seems to give my crumpled soul some comfort

I want to escape reality so badly

So so so badly that i cannot even describe it in verses

I wish i can become a part of the stories i read 

Where i am not “me” , where i can start afresh 

Where i can show myself some mercy

Where i can love myself instead of begging it from someone else

Sometimes i feel like i am a sadist

I find comfort in victimising myself 

I don’t know if this is really true or just another of my intrusive thoughts 

Today i want to see myself burn into ashes

I want to see myself being perished 

I want to see myself fading away

I want to blame someone for my miseries so bad

Can i blame you ?

Anyway! I will:)

Fighting!

A perfect metaphor for my life🙌

 A battle with myself 

My world is falling apart and i seek for an escape in poetry,

this is where i would bleed my emotions out ,

Would criticise myself and hate myself more,

Would tell myself another story ,

Of another day when i would feel alright

When everything will be alright,

Then again i would fall into this never ending loop

Where i would recollect every tragic memory just to weep more;

Just to show myself the mirror of reality ,

And play the victim card against this world’s shenanigans ,

Then i would get tired of carrying myself, the same  way i feel right now.

It’s so complicated, so hard to understand 

That I can’t even explain it in my poems

I don’t know how to forgive myself for the things l was compelled to do,

I miss the time when i was  so untouched by this world’s ugly side,

When I didn’t know anything about betrayals,

About losing people,

When I didn’t need to think twice.

I am holding myself together, 

Just so my loved ones wouldn’t fall apart.

My heart feels heavy, 

And i feel fucking alone even when I’m surrounded,

When i’m fully guarded.

I don’t know what real hurt is anymore,

Maybe i no longer remember how to feel or all my emotions fade away ,

I may talk shit but deep down i know how desperately i mean every single line I write:)

Then again why i feel this certain way?

I don’t know why:)

I’ll tell myself that it is just a phase and not my whole life,

I’ll tell myself to focus on the bright side.

But what if there will be no bright side?

What if another hurt is waiting for me with its arms open?

I have lost this battle with my inner self ,

I want to forget and forgive,

Maybe someday i will,

But today is not that day:)

A PHASE !

     ME, myself

Falling skies and falling hopes:)

There are so many paths in front of me
But every time I walk on a path,
Which gives me reasons to sabotage myself more,
It's like embracing dark in the first place

and complaining afterwards.

For I wish to dwell in darkness itself

Since I overlook the light entering into my life;

And cry over lost things and mistakes

I make every single day.

I choose to highlight my imperfections,

and put myself on bed of thorny black roses

which got withered while trying to bloom.

This scorching heat melted me down

and killed my capacity to perceive reality,

to give rise to a delusional world 

where my life is synonymous with delirium,

where I try to hide under the shadow of 

being naive;

So that no one can hold me accountable for anything,

for my shortcomings and for my dilemmas;

Where I want to breathe without being seen

but wished to be acknowledged at the same time;

where I am pretending things the way they are not,

where I try to justify and glorify the obliterate things I do,

where I try to explain it to myself only 

that why do I even exist,

where I believe my shattered life has 

really been shattered;

where I force myself to see those invisible wounds

which no one ever, inflicted upon me,

The way I condemn myself for even existing 

tells me a lot about that part of my life

which I associate with grief,

For grief doesn't exist the way it must be 

to called real grief.

Everything is inside my head and I am tired

of forming beliefs which only paves path to pain and ruin.

Instead of falling in love with life ,

I wish to turn away from it;

Again this is inside my head only

because this is truly not what I feel.

I think I forget to feel, to experience emotions

when this was the only thing I desired to do.

What about my dreams and aspirations ?

Those things which I want to give up

to settle for bare minimum;

Because everything else seems difficult.

All I see is uncertainty owing to my heavy heart,

which is in debt right now.

Then I say it happens as to comfort myself,

when some expectations weigh me down.

I try to heal those wounded parts of mine

by saying it's just a phase not my WHOLE life

But if this is really real , it is yet to be seen;

which only the forthcoming time can unravel:)

  

  

HER :)

 Phases of her existence

I'm giving it all to take it back💕

In her youth's tender bloom,

she bore a heavy load,

A heart, once scarred, on a tumultuous road.

She carried burdens far beyond her years,

A girl of strength, her eyes now skim tears.

Innocence lost in a tempest of pain,

through sorrow and anger;

she somehow managed to carry her strains.

Loneliness whispered in the shadows of melancholic nights,

when she would paint her pillow bright,

Leaving her in a delusional sight,

she could not hold her dreams tight.

Anyhow her dilemmas doomed the fright.

She tasted the bitterness of life's cruel test,

In the storms of despair;

she tried to stand to her best.

She danced with grief and 

fought with her fears,

with hope and a little support,

like a beacon, she wiped away her tears.

The spectrum of emotions she has journeyed through,

from anger to joy, every possible shade

and every hue.

From a broken glass to a 

heart full of love and grace,

a new life awaits.

As a phoenix she will rise ,

through those shady and lethal lightning strikes.

In the middle of chaos;

she believed to find her escape;

when someone offered her a hand laden with praise.

Those hands took her to paradise to show her the hell;

After, when she realized it was nothing more than an ugly spell,

Meanwhile she always chose to overlook those arms,

 which yearn to hold her miseries and offer her calm.

Now she's recovering, this is what

she likes to pretend ,

but her soul tells otherwise

which still awaits her end;

On a bright side with laughter and strength,

her life is surely going to mend.

Through sorrow and joy,

and all in between ,

she's a masterpiece painting,

a beautiful creation that can ever be seen.

For life is a tapestry, woven with threads,

of joy, pain and love in infinite spreads.

In every emotion she finds her own grace,

a girl who is trying to emerge from ;

her life's own disheartened phase. 💗

 

 

I think I can escape

I think I can escape

Pierced through the heart but never killed !

because I have got my placebo

I have found a place that can make 

all my worries go away,

just with a wink 

all wrapped in one it is not less than a mystery

For I think something good is happening to me

That craziness is slowly and steadily 

turning into a perfect epitome of revival 

I don't look for empty faces anymore

as my eyes can look deep 

and can even see beyond the ledge

Its like the pain gets its cure.

At the edge of chaos where my thoughts were running loose,

I came across a game

which finally set me free from the invisible chains

which were inflicted upon me by every piece 

of an exaggerated existence;

The poison which the devil made me drink

has turned into sweet nectar pouring from paradise.

What can be worse than losing hope ?

Meanwhile what can be the greatest win ?

of course accumulating those shattered pieces to stand upright 

once again with faith and grace.

Pretending does help when source of light

is in itself an illusion,

As delusional things are more like ecstasy .

The thrill of staying in the middle of a storm

awakes the parts of you which were slowly fading away.

Mine too would have fallen away, had I not hold them tight enough.

Now when I am thinking straight,

I am more at peace with myself than I were before.

Even though it's just a game, yet I will say 

I have never ever been HAPPIER. 

 

REFLECTION !

 Too good to lose.

I put it down ❤

It's been a long time since,

I encountered a massive turn of events ;

such a horrible unraveling of my fears,

where all the best moments got washed away in tears.

I stopped for a while to look at my reflection in a mirror,

And I found myself looking at a stranger, inevitably near.

I dare not look into her eyes

For I was afraid of the hell I made her went through,

Afraid of taking away her strengths

and convincing her to dwell in her weaknesses. 

I didn't want to see those bloodshed, watery eyes of hers again

which once wanted to capture the  whole world in them ,

and now hurt a little looking at the masked damage this cosmos offered her .

I was supposed to draw stars around her scars,

to turn her flaws into fireflies which would shine,

But whatever I did, turned her into a helpless soul 

who witnessed her stars turning into scars.

I made her hopes fall apart. 

Now I pretend, it wasn't me 

when I know only I am responsible for her dilemmas.

I want her to deny first, believe later and then accept

that the reality of things is very much different from what is visible from the surface.

That the image of the world she created for herself

needs to change to include the both ; good and bad.

to acknowledge this reality that her shadow too can destroy her. 

I want her to stop existing,

but to start living with whatever she have got.💫