A part of my existence

Too pure to understand the lows and the highs

 Today I am seventeen

tomorrow I 'll turn eighteen 

but does it make any difference ? 

When altogether I'll appear same

to everyone , even my reflection 

in the mirror will not change 

Yeah I have completed one more year of my life 

SUCCESSFULLY ! INDEED

Infact the girl who is 17  today will carry the experiences

of this one more year of her life to become 18. 

A chain of events that occurred at different times yet are linked

'cause they define her existence

She may not like the person she has become recently

Her likes or dislikes will not affect this part of her life

Its an inseparable part of her growth, of her journey into future.

She is all set to face the upcoming challenges

somewhere she is afraid of the WORLD too

But she hopes to become a part of it . 

when this number 17 will become 27 or may be 37 someday 

she will look back at her life and will feel the exhilaration of her journey

she will believe in fate that yes she was destined to be here!

When this girl will turn into a woman someday, 

she will value her journey; she will love herself for

whatever she did

she will forgive herself for her past mistakes

She will love every part of herself which she shed over time

She will realize that she doesn't need a man to tell her what she should do

A man to define her existence because she is unaware of the wonders

she can create, of the things she can accomplish 

she will show the world that yes, she can thrive in chaos too

she can be anything not just beautiful

she can be limitless

she will define herself and become her own support

INDEED ONE DAY SHE WILL BE PROUD OF HERSELF !

SERENADE

I hate moonless nights

It hurts so good 🤍

for they remind me how alone I am 

Moon's presence feels different 

It feels as if someone is  awake for me

 even at the loneliest hour of night when the rest of the world sleeps soundly

I often talk to the moon

the stories will I tell him 

surely make no sense to the world

But for me its a way to escape reality when it becomes too hard to face it

It feels so pure , out of senses

to feel the gravity between you and him

even though you are lakhs of kilometers away

still that pull feels somewhat magical

something that can make you smile after enduring the worst day

something that can make you feel like lovers from past

something that makes you forget your worries

perhaps it is amongst the most precious wonders of nature

I feel blessed every time moon catch my eye

I look at him with full of eyes

In hope one day he'll look back !

I'll stand by me

 When time seems running so fast !

What a time ?  me and I !? What a lie ?

Dawn is not so far !

 This month I kept lying to myself . I watched clock running at a fast pace , I watched sun rises and sunsets , waited for dusks and dawns , talked to moon , played with wind , felt raindrops on my face  and  experienced melancholy . From Monday to Sunday my life runs and so do I. Its not really that bustling ,  contrary to this it crawls  so slow  that I am afraid if I would be left behind . Another month ended and you watched me sitting quiet , lost in thoughts , drowning in unshed tears and seeking peace in unsaid words. Its so damn strange how I managed to maintain the same old balance of complaining at the end of month but I did . I realize I am stuck  in this in between . I'm living in a lovely dream which is far from reality and so close to my imagination . I am afraid what I'll do when this dream will end , when reality will knock at my door and I'll have no words to answer her ! This fear is so obvious and it must be there somewhere in my mind to remind me that I have to answer her. I felt something hard against my back and it gave me immense relief to find that I'm lying on floor from which I could no longer fall further . I don't know and don't wanna know if I 'm doing good enough to continue or bad enough to stop . Keep going is risky and stopping is foolishness  . Don't make me choose 'cause I know I'm stuck . Its not about doing good or bad its about so much more, its about recognizing yourself , accepting yourself , experiencing immaterialistic  happiness and joy . Its not about you and me or that person its about people who are being a part of this cosmos and feel lost or unhappy or sad or anxious or worthless  etc.  Some days are tough others are easy , some are rainy while other are sunny filled with sun's warmth . I find  these lyrics so meaningful and exceptional these  say , ''If I show you all my demons and dive into the deep end would we crash and burn like everytime before ? I would tell you all my secrets wrap your arms around my weakness if its the only other option's letting go '' , as we all need this level of reliance upon someone who could be anyone among your friends or family or your soulmate in life . I feel so unreal while writing this , I don't know why ! I am running far away . Will you accompany me ?

Sometimes all I do is to THINK !

The VOICES 

LOOK IT'S THERE !

  

Yesterday I thought of a change 

not in surrounding but in my very image 

neither in peoples' eyes nor in their heart

but in the way I look at myself far apart

Yesterday I was clever but today I'm wise

'cause I believe sun will definitely rise

With all these fears , insecurities and troubles

I dream of flying high in the sky 

no matter for how many times I'll have to try

When my heart bleeds and  my soul aches

I search for paper to transfer these blades  

Since paper and a pen is all I need 

when it becomes difficult to breathe

Sometimes the nights give me life

when  the moon shines bright and  the stars dance live 

The fear of drowning scares me the most 

I know I have to swim to reach the shore

I'm in the middle of a lot many things I have initiated lately

It will be foolish to step back and hard to keep going

Anyhow I have to keep swimming in hope of reaching the shore someday

It's hard to swim in  the middle of a terrible storm

those thunderstorms also can't make you stop once you decide to go on

And this decision is the hardest to make 

Everyday I prove myself wrong 

when I go to bed with a war going on inside my head

Still like a drug addict I keep turning back to the point which was once dead 

Now I can understand why people wanna get high

'cause  they want to forget their worries and seek peace with each sigh

I don't want you to think I'm sad

Since I see myself in a loop which is neither good nor bad

For me it is a continuous struggle 

but for you it is not more than a thing to giggle

I'm learning to embrace each and every moment of life

both ecstatic and dejected vibes

I believe someday I'll find true happiness

not in worldly things but within the folds of my own soul !

Getting enough !

DEATH !

 What it takes to die ?

It will come definitely !

How you view death ? After all it is the destination we all share no matter who we are, what

These MINEFIELDS !

 BACK AGAIN

LEARN TO APPRECIATE !

Coming back again and again to the same old place from where you were trying to escape once and are still trying to run off sucks . There are days when you don't feel sound , when your soul ache for support and when you seek for some sympathy but get none instead they tell you that this is life and you have to just go through it and survive 'cause everyone  else do the same . They tell you to calm down , to take a deep breath and to look for happiness instead of gloom but how can you see with your eyes closed , how can you trust the timing of your life when everything seems shattered . Still they will say RELAX FRIEND ! you need to think straight , even I sometimes repeat the same words to myself while looking at my reflection in the mirror. This life is crazy where everyone has a different story to tell, they have their own miseries , complaints and insecurities .People have their shady past to carry , miserable present to endure and unpredictable future to go on for. Every mouth has a story to tell , every soul aches for that gentle touch of warmness and compassion. Some days are great and some are the worst of their kind when you feel stagnant and lost. When doing even a simple chore requires too much effort and motivation and when you feel you don't belong here ; Wanna lost in the infinite lights ?YES I WANT ! We live in a world where flowers get withered after being plucked , where your presence becomes blurry , where your heart becomes heavy holding on certain emotions , where a single futile thing can spoil good times . Things are hard and they are gonna be much harder if you think logically since there seems no place for illogic in this perfectly imperfect world . Sometimes I wonder about the weird thoughts coming to my mind , the random things I wanna do  , the things holding me back and the problems with myself . All I do is just think in vain .   Had I been done, something except thinking I could have been better , probably not complaining for my circumstances. There are moments when you feel that everything is really good and even its not you will make it great but there are moments too when you feel a lot many things weighing you down , your complexes weaving their own nest in you ; consequently intimidating you to look for bad things happening to you , to complain about them and to give up ! You wanna do this , you wanna do that , you wanna go here and you wanna explore , you wanna do things and all _ all these in your head  just piling up a lot inside that little space in your body , thereby experiencing pain and grief when things don't go well as were planned by you . Today you are sitting idle , doing nothing 'cause you don't feel like doing anything ; Isn't this enough to justify the time you wasted and are still wasting ? There's a problem in that too 'cause if you keep on doing this daily you will end up regretting even harder. What an irony man ! I'm amazed, like seriously what to do and how to do ? Sitting in a corner of your room waiting for miracles to happen seems quite unreal and childish 'cause its not gonna happen ever . I wish if fairy tales were real ! I am always waiting for that perfect moment when I'll be willing to do things , Alas ! Why aren't the things which give you happiness productive ? Probably because the happiness you experience doing those ain't real. There are many problems  like this , many weird questions whose answer is still left to give. 

Control is just an illusion . Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself 'cause it really is . For how long you gonna stay here complaining about the things happening to you ? I don't know for how long I am gonna stay 'cause coming out of this loop is another hard thing to accomplish . Is there anything which I can do to make  it up with myself ?Ultimate truth is that this time is gonna pass too  whether you like it or not . And one day when you will look back again you are not gonna feel any of the emotions you are experiencing now , I am not gonna experience all this negativity either. This is because with time we will feel  the  mental growth taking place , the changes we are gonna go through to get there . You will not  be the same the way you are now at this day next year   as I wasn't the same last year . Change is eternal. You want to slice through the darkness to go into light being unaware that you yourself are the light . 

Being on a highway full of red lights ain't easy  but at least you can try to do something , I am gonna do the same 'cause I can't take no more ! This quote just touched my heart , " Everything will be okay in the end . If it's not okay, 
then it's not the END " ACCEPT YOUR PRESENT , WORK ON IT AND MIRCALES ARE GONNA HAPPEN 🦋🌸🔆I'LL TRY MY BEST NOT TO COME HERE AGAIN . Hope that next time the title will be different 👀💙