Repeating same mistakes over time
This new year I decided to have a fresh start and determined that I will not do all those things once again which let me down and made me a prisoner of my own hate during the past years of my life. But here I am once again repeating those so called things even knowing that these only gonna bring negativity and ruin to my shattered life. Why human mind is so wavering ? We plan , we sort and determine to do things but always reveal with a sigh of regret in the end...it feels like I tried so hard and got so far but in the end it doesn't even matter, yes it won't matter that how to got there to people but it do matter to you because you know how many breakdowns you suffered, how often you used to feel useless and not worth it and how often you think of giving up that particular thing when things don't seem working for you. I often talk about starting again, giving it just one more try, waking up every morning with a hope that everything is gonna change for the best and above all just going ahead... the question is Am I doing the same ? Do I follow all this ? or my words just don't match my actions or my thoughts evade my real actions like the way I have been evading my true self ; trying to run off this place as soon as possible , trying to convince myself that one more year to your big freedom, one more year for you to enter this real world that always seem unrealistic and a terrible place to me I don't know why. They say you think a lot, you yourself make things difficult for you, you can't think straight because you like complicating things. They say its damn easy to go on and on , its easy to forget, to forgive and to free yourself from the worries that weigh you down, when they themselves don't know how to make their own life better. Today you will decide what you have to do tomorrow, tomorrow when once again you will lack that energy , that willingness to do things and that reason to try one more time, you surely will regret. It will make you feel more depressed ,more anxious and over time you will develop that bitter hate for yourself. This hate you develop is temporary as it will fade away as soon as you will be on track (which according to others is right and fruitful for you but for you it is breathtaking...so called right and virtuous ) this journey from hating yourself to loving yourself the most is in itself overwhelming , hard to take and imperatively it involves loosing someone or something at the same time. If you feel like you are a mess, you know nothing, you are a loser, you can't do that...and stuff
